Stolen Joy: The Depression Series

This is the first picture I have of my son smiling.  A week before this photo was taken, my newborn was diagnosed with a rare lung defect and flown off for emergency lung removal to save his life.  I held myself together during the ordeal and completely fell apart afterwards, experiencing depression that lingered for several months.  I'm sharing it now with the hopes of encouraging others who are experiencing their own dark days of motherhood.  You can read the first post in the series here.

Stolen Joy

During much of this time of depression, I had days where I felt completely swallowed up in fear and would take my children's temperatures several times a day to make sure they were OK.  I remember talking to one friend, our associate pastor's wife, during a particular trying time.  My kids were sick again and after all we'd been through, I was terrified.  Debbie was so compassionate about our latest ordeal, but she also spoke truth into me that really opened my eyes.

She said it's OK to grieve over the things we had been through.  It's a normal response to the trauma of nearly losing our newborn.  But if my tears were based on lies and if I was living out of fear, then that was not OK.  That was not where God wanted me to be.   

I can honestly say that I think my tears were a combination of truly processing all that we'd been through, grieving and mourning that difficult time, and lie-based thinking.

She reminded me what scripture teaches about the Satan:

"The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy..." 1 John 10:10.  

My friend said

He is stealing your joy right now.  He's using your kids to get to you.

And I was letting him.  

I was letting him steal my joy in my children, including the child whose life God had just spared.

Where was my joy?

While I was going through this fog, I also tried to keep our house going in as much of a normal routine as possible.  I had a cleaning schedule that I stuck to dogmatically, vacuuming and scrubbing on the same day each week.  It made me feel good to have routine and it brightened my mood to live in a clean house.  

Honestly, I didn't want to clean it.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  I didn't want to be mommy.  But mommy I was, so mommy I would be.  I went through the motions, hoping that God would use it all to slowly move in me.

  

I distinctly remember something big that God showed me during that time.  I was making my bed one morning, rather grumpily in fact, when I had a thought:  Where was my joy?  It seemed that I had none.  

As a believer, where should my joy be?   

The joy of the LORD is my strength.  -Nehemiah 8:10

But was His joy my strength?  No, it most definitely wasn't.  I felt that I had no strength and no joy.

So again, I asked myself the question:  

As a believer, where should my joy be?

In my salvation. 

In the work of the cross.  

In Christ's sacrifice on my behalf that happened 2000 years ago.  And if He did nothing else for me my entire life, He had provided salvation for me.  

And that is enough.  

That doesn't mean I would be happy all the time.  Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything, and we certainly see the example of David, Christ, and others throughout scripture who grieved wholeheartedly.  But shouldn't there be some inner joy and contentment, even in the painful things, that inner current of peace and trust in God that says "Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say 'it is well with my soul'"?  I think so.  As believers, we never have to despair completely.  "The hope of the righteous brings joy..."  Proverbs 10:28

The hope of a believer is what Christ did on the cross and the hope of an eternity spent worshiping Him, worship that begins here and has no end.  I had worshiped in painful trials in the past and found those to be some of the sweetest times of healing.  Even at this point in my depression, I would have private and public times of worship that were sweet, but left me full of tears, overwhelmed at God's goodness in sparing my baby's life.  And then I would feel deep despair and fear again throughout the day.

No matter how tough each day would be as I worked through my obvious depression, I decided then that the joy of the LORD would be my strength.  I would guard my emotions and my heart.  I would keep my daughter from seeing her mommy crying so much.  My children deserved a mommy who could be happy with them and grounded in joy that comes from Christ.  Not in temporary things.  My joy should never come from things that I can see.   

I would partner with God to work through these issues.  

I would let Him heal my heart.  

I would trust Him with my issues with fear.

Through depression, I learned how to practically apply some foundational things that I had learned over the years as a Christian.  I'm excited to share that with you next week so that you can see what God did in my heart, using His Word.

Do you know what the other half of the verse is that I quoted earlier?

"The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I come that they may have life and have it abundantly."  John 10:10  

The words of my Savior.  

Have you dealt with depression?  How did you come out of it?  How has God worked in your heart in times of trial?

  

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