I've been reading so much lately. I'm halfway in the middle of Elisabeth Elliot's The Mark of a Man, James Dobson's Bringing Up Boys, Ezzo and Bucknam's On Becoming Babywise, Jim Trelease's The Read-Aloud Handbook, and the La Leche League's latest edition of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.
As I prepare for becoming a mother of two and going through those early days of exhaustion, troubleshooting nursing, and sweet cuddling with a newborn, I want to make sure I'm ready for every possible complication and scenario. Nursing was so hard for those first two weeks, and to be honest, despite successfully nursing my daughter through her first year and a half of life, I'm quite nervous about dealing with those same problems all over again with my son.
And last time, I was able to get my daughter on a schedule that worked well for her and had her sleeping through the night at 3 weeks of age. What bliss! It's amazing how great you feel when you're getting solid sleep at night instead of an hour or two at a time. My husband advised me about scheduling the baby recently, saying "whatever you do, don't change anything!" Things worked out so beautifully with Isabelle. But what if my next baby doesn't sleep through the night until he's six months old?!? How will I make it then?
So what do I do now? I read, and try to control for as many variables as possible. Any other control freaks out there?
Sometimes I feel like The Little Engine That Could, reading, learning, and trying so hard, saying "I think I can, I think I can...I know I can, I know I can." Except the truth is, I can't.
I can't.
Do anything.
Apart from Christ.
That's what hit me last night as I was reading Babywise. Grace. God's sweet grace. It's God who worked out all of the details last time, not me. He gave me a number of resources, intelligence, wisdom, helpers, and then, through much prayer, He worked out the details to enable nursing to work out and to help my baby sleep through the night.
And this time? He'll either make nursing work out beautifully or He'll give me strength and wisdom to get through it. He'll either enable my baby to sleep well or He'll give me the grace to handle those late nights.
The problem is that I tend to focus on the blessings and not the blessor. God has given us so many things. He provides us with wonderful resources like the internet, the library, and the book store. He has given me friends and family I can turn to for wise, godly counsel. He has blessed me with wisdom and intelligence to do what is best for my children. He provided me with an advanced degree in my early twenties and a solid career to give me confidence. And He has given me a sweet family to enjoy. But frequently, I rely upon these things--the books, the knowledge, advice from others--instead of relying upon Him. Frequently, I rely upon me, and not Him.
Empty me.
Will I keep reading the books? Absolutely. They're a blessing. But I have to be aware that no strategy, no technique, nothing is fail proof. But I serve a God who is, and who provides strength to the weary.
I'm about to enter into one of those times in life where we reach the end of ourselves. That's where His strength is.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV
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