Book Review: On Becoming Toddlerwise

Last week I finally got around to finishing On Becoming Toddlerwise, by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam.  The Babywise series of books are highly, highly conversial, so let's not even get into any of that please!  If you completely disagree with scheduling, give me a call and let's talk about it, but otherwise, we can agree to disagree, and at least acknowledge that there's some wisdom to be gained by the authors.  After all, Babywise is not a best-selling book without reason.  This post, however, will be directed towards Toddlerwise, which addresses the second year of a child's life, including potty training (although there's a separate book on that too).  

I enjoyed the first chapter, which discusses the combining forces that shape both us and our children: heredity, environment, and personality.  Personality is determined by a combination of heredity, environment, and temperament.  The authors discuss the areas where we, as parents, can directly influence our children's personalities and behavior.  They stress training and education.  Some children are naturally more easy-going, but if we have a child who isn't, we can still teach that child patience.  In the same way that we teach our children how to brush their teeth, we can try to teach our children to control their tempers. 

Scheduling, of course!
Toddlerwise, in classic Ezzo style, addresses scheduling and how to structure a child's day.  I think this chapter can be really helpful if you're not quite sure what to do with your kid all day long, but I have a feeling most moms figure it out just fine.  It is great for giving parents the idea that it's okay to let your child play alone.  In fact, it's pretty healthy!  Still, people sometimes find it surprising that Isabelle can usually entertain herself. 

At our house, we don't adhere strictly to the toddler scheduling ideas in the book, but we do have basic routines and structure in our day.  For example, Isabelle usually has independent playtime in her room in the morning while I enjoy my coffee and check e-mail (five feet away from her in my room, which connects to hers).  But this will vary on days when we 1) have church, 2) have ladies' Bible study, 3) have MOPS, or 4) choose to go the the gym first thing in the morning instead of mid-morning.  After my coffee, I usually like to read to her, sing songs, and do other activities with her. 

We also have a pre-nap routine.  After lunch, she has a sippy cup of milk while I read a book or two to her and then I usually sing one song to her.  I've been reading to her before her naptime since she was just a tiny thing.  I wanted to make sure that she read a book at least once or twice a day, which is why I've tied reading together with her naptime--she will take a nap everyday, therefore she will be read to!.  All day long, we have a basic routine, but it can vary sometimes, and I don't have every 30 minute portion of her day scheduled! 

The authors do stress the importance of having parent-directed playtime, where your child can only play with certain things that you want them to play with.  I'm kicking around this idea and trying to decide if it's something we should work on or not.  They also discuss blanket time, training your child to play on a blanket for a set period of time.  I'm still not sure of what I think about that. 

The Low Points
Some of the chapters dealt with a little bit of theory, but I would've enjoyed either a more intellectual discussion of their theories or no discussion of it at all.  This is why it took so long for me to finish!  I found this portion of the book a little bit dull, mostly because I'm already on board with the premise of their books.  Still, sometimes when they present "theory," they do not include footnotes or anyway to validate their claims, so it makes it hard to completely agree. 

I also disagreed with them on a few points, but I rarely find anyone I agree with 100%, so this isn't a big deal.  When the authors discussed mealtimes, they said that parents in the U.S. are needlessly concerned with their children's eating habits.  Everyone worries that their child isn't eating enough, but most children are eating plenty.  The authors suggest setting a time limit on mealtime.  I think the authors have a valid point, but if you've ever had a child in the 5-10th percentiles on the growth chart, you know that you do worry about every bite the child doesn't eat.  And I don't think it's a needless concern in my case, but that's why I'm especially concerned about the nutritional content of Isabelle's food.       

The High Points
My favorite section of the book were the last few chapters.  Chapter six deals with "Conflict, Training, and Correction," chapter seven is about potty training, and chapter 8 is their "Toddler Topic Pool," in which they answer various questions about the toddler years. 

I loved this last section so much because it has a problem/solution mentality.  A lot of times parents feel like we just have to survive the toddler years and hope our kid isn't a tough one, but we really can troubleshoot some of their behaviors.     

Applying Toddlerwise
For example, after reading the last portion of the book, I decided that Isabelle, at 16 months, really is old enough to begin learning to clean up after herself.  Will she do it on her own, unprompted?  Probably not.    Can she clean her room by herself? Definitely not!  But I can sing the clean up song to her while she helps me put toys in their baskets.  And she joins me, singing "nup! nup!" instead of "clean up!"  She had so much fun putting the books back on her shelves that first day.  I physically made her hold the book and put it on the shelf, then praised her for it.  After doing this with about six books, she was looking for more books to stack up.  She stacked all the books up and then I pulled out the same books for her to stack again because she loved it.

I'm also working with Isabelle on looking at me and saying "Yes, Mommy" when I tell her to do something.  She can't do it yet, and probably won't be able to for a couple of months, but we have to start somewhere, and it'll get her used to obeying out of habit (ideally).  I'm also working with her on coming when I call her.  From what I've read, much of the training can really begin around 18 months, but some kids can pick things up sooner, so I think it doesn't hurt to start at 16 months. 

Right now, we're troubleshooting the afternoon grouch fest that seems to start around 5 and last until daddy gets home.  Yesterday it started even earlier, around 3:30.  I know it's completely normal for children to act up while mom is preparing dinner, but that doesn't mean I have to like it!  It started when she got her 15 month shots at the same time that she started cutting five teeth and has lasted for two and a half weeks.  Is she 1) just being a toddler?  2) hungry?  3) tired?  4) teething? 

Answer #1 is completely unacceptable to me (even if it's true)!  I've tried giving her a snack, but she's still cranky and then won't eat as much at dinner.  I recently tried to adjust her sleep schedule by going back to a morning nap, but then she just ends up skipping her afternoon nap.  Last night I decided once and for all that it must be teething.  I checked her mouth (despite her protests) and two top molars are still trying to break through, but the clincher was when she woke up crying at 11:30 p.m.  I can't tell you the last time I had to get up with her during the night, but it might've been when we were traveling at Christmas.  This is definitely abnormal behavior for her!  I think she just hurts, plain and simple, and that's why she's cranky.  We'll go back to giving her something for the pain.  I've also found that distraction helps, so having cool toys available in the kitchen while I'm making dinner seems to help.  Cool toys = a bowl of blocks and other items for her to stir with a wooden spoon while I cook.  Hopefully it'll go well tonight, or we might have to go back to the drawing board again!

What are your thoughts on the Babywise books and toddler discipline?  If you have any teething advice or suggestions for dealing with the afternoon grouch fest, I'd love to hear it.